WARNING: This post will take at least an hour

If you click on the photo above, a new window will appear and load a Gigapan photo of the Obama Inauguration. As I did, you'll probably say to yourself--"Wow, cool photo," or "look at all those people," or "it's like television but not."

Then you'll notice the navigation tools in the upper left hand corner and start to move around and zoom in. And zoom in. And zoom in some more. Pretty soon you'll be trying to read the brand name off some lady's glasses, or laughing at the guy zipping his pants by the porta-potty, or playing 'Find the SWAT Team.' As the post title implies, you will spend at least an hour doing this--it cannot be helped and I apologize.

You'll then ponder whether it is an amazing co-mingling of optics and technology, or a peek into our Sinister Surveillance Society. Both, I suspect, but also the source of some yuks, to which I submit the following:


President Clinton staring at the twins is too obvious, so I'll just give props to George the First on the headgear--I think he can see Sara Palin's house with that hat on.


Come on Justice Thomas--stay awake for a brotha!


It just ain't a party unless Sasquatch shows up.


"Dis' me all you want terrorist guy--I'm still The Decider."


You never see Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemimah in the same place at the same time. Coincidence?


"Great seats, my ass! A $10k donation and all I get is a splitting headache, Willard Scott yapping in my ear and hair gel that smells like bird shit!"

An open letter to Barack Obama

Dear Senator Obama-

I would like to congratulate you on your strong showing in the Democratic primaries thus far. Your charismatic and positive campaign has energized the country, awakened an apathetic sleeping giant and elevated the democratic process within the national consciousness. It’s heartening to see interest in this country’s political future overshadowing our obsession with celebrity culture. Well, maybe the two are merging a bit, but motivations aside, I credit you—what with your obvious intelligence, amazing gift for communication and that winning smile—for creating a whole new generation of political activism. Bravo…and I mean that sincerely.


The use of this photo to discredit Obama is reprehensible. His response has been underwhelming.

I should tell you that I did vote for you and while you did not win my state (California), you did garner a sizeable share of the state’s delegates, and should you win the nomination, you can count on my vote—and hopefully a Democratic majority from California—in the general election.

Something, however, has been bothering me and I’m hoping you can do something about it. It has to do with all the BS and misinformation that’s been going around about you. I believe it was the great American fictional mob character Tony Soprano who uttered the phrase “fucking internet” upon learning that his children had found out he was not in “waste management” as they had come to believe, but a criminal.

I imagine that you had a “fucking internet” moment of your own—in a reverse way—when all this crap about you began to circulate on the net. Who could blame you—they’re all lies orchestrated to misrepresent you as something you’re not…and that sucks. What sucks even more is that some people really do believe it, which is why you—wisely—have systematically denied and corrected these rumors.

The one thing that has really bummed me out is that in your denial of being a Muslim, you have not taken the opportunity to point out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a Muslim. That, in fact, there are millions of Muslims around the world who themselves denounce the fundamentalist factions that give Islam a bad name. I mean, I was raised Catholic (though I’m out of practice, so-to-speak) and I have as much to do with Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh (also Catholic) as most Muslims have to do with Al-Qaeda.

The fact is that the Muslims are good people—at least as good as Jews and Catholics and Mormons and atheists and Protestants and Baptists and the good folks from your Church of Christ—who want nothing more than to live good lives and exercise the right to express their faith as they see fit.

I’ve noticed that you talk about change quite a bit. I agree that this country needs it badly. Here is an opportunity to walk the walk, sir. An opportunity to show that you are accepting and open minded and accommodating—unlike, say, the current administration. An opportunity to show that you are willing to do what’s right, despite political risk. An opportunity to defuse the prejudice and persecution Muslims have been increasingly subjected to since that fateful day in September 2001.

Please, Senator Obama, take this opportunity to lead by example and help start the healing.

Sincerely,

Don P
San Jose, CA

Bad taste dooms Hillary

In political news, Hillary Clinton has been categorically eliminated from receiving my vote for the 2008 Democratic Primary based solely on her selection of a Celine Dion song as her campaign theme.

Now I’m willing to look past the little Whitewater thing at the end of her husband’s presidency, the whole grandstanding “I make cookies too” thing way back when, and her apparently well-earned reputation as being a biotch. The latter may, in fact, be an asset, and the other two things are irrelevant and immaterial to me. God knows, they pale in the face of the true crimes and atrocities of the current administration.

I’d go so far as to say that I LIKE the woman (and her husband and daughter on the whole), agree with much of her thinking and find her infinitely more appealing than a bushel of Bushes. But in selecting Celine’s “You and I,” Hillary has committed a high crime of bad taste—one I cannot be associated with—and, no, it has nothing to do with Ms. Dion’s Caniadianess. For the record, I tend to like Canucks.

So unless she makes it to the big dance, I’m sticking with the junior senator from Illinois.